Memories
by littlefaf
Summary: Some things can never be forgotten... (Anakin angst fic)


Anakin couldn't sleep. Usually the darkness was so still, but now it seemed to swirl around him threateningly. It was closing in on him, he could just feel it, a tightness in his throat from lack of oxygen, for the air could not penetrate this thick, heavy blackness. Perhaps it was merely his mind playing tricks with him, but try as he may he couldn't get his mind off it. It bothered him. The darkness bothered him.  
  
Suddenly he stood up, throwing back the covers and getting to his feet. Behind him Padme moaned, unconsciously noticing her husband's sudden absence, and for a moment he half-feared, half-hoped that he had woken her. Yet her eyes remained closed, and in a moment she was in deep sleep again, an angel wrapped in silk, ivory against that soft unyielding black of darkness and moonlight shining in her chocolate brown hair. He had always thought of her as a queen of the sun, skin glowing, amber eyes on fire, a smile playing teasingly at the corner of her lips. But now he saw her lying there, she seemed even more beautiful, a goddess of the night.  
  
Yet even she couldn't help him now. The air, which for a few moments had eased up, was now growing heavier again. He was forced to turn towards the half-open window to catch his breath, but then, without the comforting sight of Padme, he felt it closing in on him even more.  
  
You killed them  
  
The voice came from out of nowhere and everywhere, as though the darkness itself were speaking to him. His sky blue eyes grew wide with fear and confusion. Innocence even.  
  
Innocence? Ha  
  
Circling him, tightening up around his chest and throat. He tried to remain confused, but he knew what the voice was talking about. Oh force yes, how could he ever forget. It had haunted him ever since, only now he was alone with his thoughts it was that much worse.  
  
No less than you deserve. Did you think you could just carry on as normal?  
  
No! Of course not! He bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from yelling out-loud, afraid of waking Padme, and felt the copper tang of blood in his mouth.  
  
Hurt does it? Not as much as it hurt them. But then again it was over in a few moments.  
  
He saw them in his mind suddenly, the victims of his rage. Their cries of pain rang in his ears, the fierce red of their blood intermingled with his anger, burning so bright that it hurt his eyes. He tried to shut them and felt dizzy, nausea rising up in him as the voices swirled round and round him, faster and faster.  
  
But the pain didn't go away, did it? It's still there, deep inside, and it'll never go away.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Shut up!" he hissed under his breath, leaning forward to press his forehead against the cold windowpane. But now he could hear his lightsaber buzzing with the power of the crystal as it sliced through a frightened child's throat. He felt sick  
  
  
  
"You'll kill and kill again, but it'll always be there."  
  
The cold wind whipped against his face, only enhancing his memories of that icy cold night on Tatooine. The dead bodies laid all around him, that feeling of emptiness in his stomach, that moment of realisation that no number of lives could make up for the death of his mother. And the weapon of destruction still warm in his hand.  
  
"Leave me alone!" Turning away from the open window again he slumped to the floor, his back against the wall as he crouched there like a frightened child. He brought his hands up to his face and dug his fingernails into his forehead, but the images wouldn't leave him. The voices were right, they were the voices of his victims, and he would never forget them. They wouldn't let him forget them.  
  
"Ani?"  
  
A soft voice, barely audible to him it seemed, like a tiny light shining in the distance. He wanted to go to it, but his victims were clawing at him now, lots of little hands grabbing his arms and legs and pinning him to the spot. He tried to struggle against them for a moment, then fell back in exhaustion.  
  
You'll never be free of us  
  
"Anakin? Are you alright?"  
  
Closer now, though still beyond his reach, and as he tried to call back he found his voice swallowed by the darkness. All that came out was a choked sob of pain as a fresh wave of memories washed over him. A mother crying out for her dead child, Anakin responding by turning and, in one swift movement, bringing her to the same fate.  
  
Monster  
  
"What's wrong? Ani, come back to me"  
  
Her voices broke through the waves of suffering, suddenly so much closer than before, that much more tangible. He felt her warm hand against his cheek, and the other voice hissed in pain, retreating into the darkness. He tilted his head back slowly and looked up at Padme through tear-stained eyes. She was terrified, her expression filled with fear and concern, and as she wrapped her arms around him he could feel her heart pounding in her chest.  
  
"I killed them Padme. I killed them all." His voice sounded hoarse as he rested his head against her chest, feeling the tears welling up again. He'd told her all this before, but somehow it didn't seem enough, could never be enough.  
  
"Shh, it's alright Anakin, it's alright."  
  
He wanted to believe her. As she held him in her arms, he felt those harsh memories retreating even further into the darkness of his mind, yet he knew they were not gone forever. He would never be free of them. 


End file.
